Down

Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts. My comfort song. By The Gaslight Anthem.

My mind is overweighted by its contents. The weight of these events and thoughts seem to be heavy for me. This summer I was awakened to how desperately fallen we are. It feels like everyone is out of focus wandering in a self centered blur. Happiness is just a mere illusion for some. God is beyond a dreamer's dream. Our purpose is totally flipped upside down.

Trent said that Christ preached on an upside-down kingdom. Well isn't it a tragedy that our kingdom is the one thats upside down. Our kingdom being world, and what is at he center of our hearts. Its completely opposite of what it was supposed to be.

I myself am in denial. On so many fashions, I am the one upside down. I am restraining myself but I hate my heart. I want to think I am above all of this.. but I am this.

If I had my way what boundaries would I not cross? Why do I seem to be an evil thing that loves Good. Backwards, my friends. Its all backwards.

Julianne and I are over. I don't trust her anymore. She doesn't want me in her life. She says that she loves me. She says that she cares for me. I don't believe it. We never knew what love was. We just know what it is to be tangled. To be enraptured.

I told her without God, this relationship wouldn't survive. I don't think she listened to me.

No one listens to that sort of stuff anymore.

I don't know why not.

He has saved me, from myself. I would have death, but I love life. Only he gives me control to choose what I love rather than be controlled by the mechanisms and impulses.

Why do we deny it so?

She wants another man. I don't have a chance anymore any how. It was a month before I had the clue to what was going on. I didn't understand why she broke up with me. So, in my extreme arrogance, I became angry and lashed at her. Now, she is cold to me. She doesn't tell me the truth. Not when I ask for it. Especially now that I need it.

I don't know what to do. How do I mend a relationship that needs to be mended when I don't even know where the fires on the bridge are. I can feel the heat and I know there's danger, but I don't know where.

People tell me to let go of her, but I hate that idea so much. She wants me to let go of her. I am just a boy, I do not know why the gun was handed to me to put down something I find, so beautiful.

I am angry. I feel that everything is so unjust. I hate being lied to. I hate that I was not trusted, when it seemed that I had never committed any crime.

All these emotions get tangled up, and they want to move and exercise themselves in ways that bring me disgust. Do you see how the world just breaks in front of us when we do? Sometimes I feel crippled and helpless in the wake of my own thrashing limbs.

Do you know what it is to be a void? To be in such despair when nothing matters. When the kingdom is really flipped onto its head. When you're the only thing that matters.

Oh and it is preached. It pains me to see but it is true. Self-centeredness is preached. It is the aim of the american dream. It has its routes in our entertainment, in our teaching, in our children. Making God the enemy. How twisted is it when God is Love. Love is the enemy!?! Are you serious!

Do you see why it pains my heart to see it so?

This is what I want.

I want change.

But not some sort of vague political dogma, I want a change in heart. I want a change in the heart of my community. And I don't want to let myself be torn down by time, something I find merely an illusion. I'm not saying this for some self-righteous, holier than thou, mission. My heart is so imperfect. So broken. It twists my thoughts, and justifies evil. What I see in others is merely a recognition of my same behavior. I don't want anyone to have God as their enemy. Like I said, such a beautiful thing as our enemy? No I want to see peace in this torn world.

I want to see people see truth. To see things clearly. Can we throw pessimism out of the window? We have someone who loves us infinitely. It is The Gospel. Please don't throw it out. If time defeats you and sin defeats you and brokenness defeats you, than you and I are the same. Can you, like me, refuse to relent, and demand to be known? Can we stop refusing to believe that there is no hope?

Something in my heart cries for others. When I come in contact with God, things become clear. My heart changes. Things are untangled. It is as if someone climbed into my head and put everything in its proper place.

See, I will not be held down. Never. There is to much injustice to lay under the grip of anything. I must be moving. Acting. That is the call of my heart.

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

Well its true. I don't hate me though. But as you probably know... its the brokenness of the world that gets to me. Its the brokenness of myself. My lust and my anger. My self-centered heart and all my shame.

And as you've probably heard before.. I like the me that lives on Christ's every word.

Lately, its funny. I feel like God has been listening to my every word. Especially when all else is almost pulling away from me, I feel like he is here to push reality back to me. Lets say that he is a guard to the gate of oblivion for me. He wont let me go there. I'm not invited in. He will bring me back, someway somehow, whatever.

Like Travis Hager. A good friend. Listens. Wants to keep tabs on me. Its real nice to have anyone who wants to keep tabs on you.

Like Annalese Kate. To show me my love still means something to kids who might need it. To show me people still need genuine love. To show me people will be there to accept it.

Like Julianne. A beauty to fight for. To let me know I'm alive. I lost the last text she sent me saying she loved me. I want hear that again. I don't think Ive heard it for the last time. Or at least my heart tells me so.

Corbin Chase seems to think I have this crazy awesome direct communication with God. I think I am just able to give him credit, therefore letting him be known to my soul. I try to humble myself... although lately I really haven't done that enough. I've been aggressive.. and really hypocritical. People don't like that. I don't.

Yeah. Speaking of what I don't like.

Julianne worries me. Not only do I miss her, but I feel like she's plagued with shame. Something I know WAY too much about. She can't sleep. She's throwing up. She says its stress. What can I do? I tell her funny things about my life. Maybe the mere attention helps. I hope so. Thats all I can really give. She doesn't trust me like she used to. I really wish she did. God, I wish she would let me in with all my heart. I wish and pray that she stops hurting.

Sometimes I wish I had supernatural powers to take burdens away from people. Or just maybe that my prayers would be strong enough too do so. I wish I could do miracles. Maybe someday Christ will use me in that way.

Ive been listening to good music.

The Glass Parade. Cary Brothers.

Many of Horror. Biffy Clyro.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAh--lH0H3U&ob=av3e

The Queen of Lower Chelsea. The Gaslight Anthem. Love this to DEATH.

Head On a Plate. Bayside.

Blame It On the Changes. Dashboard Confessional.

Hey Jude. Joe Anderson.

As The Stars Fall. The Cinematic Orchestra.

Rough Hands. Alexisonfire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGBXTVfgE-I

Sleepyhead. Passion Pit. You should know this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zherMkcXdo

Stars in the Streetlight. Chamberlain.

Robots Can F*ck Your Sh*t Up. The Gay Blades. Wonderful, not gay.

Me and Mia. Ted Leo and The Pharmacists
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsuC_dB77PI

Lets Make Out. Does it offend you, yeah. It might offend you, its fun though.

This Boy's In Love. The Presets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO45oUdRqTs

Check it son.

Maybe I put some songs up here later.

Fuck. I get lonely at night. Why is that? Why is it that if I ever stay up past one, I get uber lonely? I dont know. Its a mystery to me.

Please. Oh please one with answers. Give me insight. So that I may rid myself of my aches. Please. Oh the first touch. Give me your presence. So that everything melts away, like an armor revealing my white body. Melt away, not as an illusion. No. Give me truth or leave me to die. Please. Oh one with answers. Give me truth. So that I may not die.

What to do.

When I have no idea which direction my life is going... I want to scream. I want to scream now. What is going on is just sooo ridiculous. I want to be close with people... but it seems right now everyone is so far away from me. Even God.

....

I have been living loosely. On my terms. It hasn't been right. Sometimes I get way out of line with people... I have been selfish and cowardly.

Ive just wanted to be edified. Healed to what I was. Do you know what it is to be wounded so? Do you know what it is to be so downcast that you fear you will never return to the life your friends live?

I am so tired of getting out of bed.

School is tommorow and I am not prepared in any shape way or form. I failed things last year and I dont know if I could make up for these things. Because I am a senior things have the potential to unravel here and now. My life seems to be unraveling. I am still so young. Why should there be a mess that I could not pick up? Why is the pace so fast? Why do people judge me because I cannot keep up?

I need a friend but they are gone.

Alex is gone. Julianne is gone. I am pushing God away. Why?

I fear I am drowning and in my drowning I have grabbed the wrong things to stay afloat.

I am sick and tired of sin. Sin is killing me.

Many Of Horror

I dreamt I had a heard a calling. This calling told me to leave where i was and venture else where. When I got there I heard her beneath the dirt. She was singing. So I dug her out... and she saw that I was her rescuer. She told me "thank you... but.... but.... I love you." I thought that by rescuing her, she would come back to me. Yet at the end of the dream she left me again.

Julianne has decided to break up with me. So some decisions have been made because of that choice. I will be moving into Austin. I will no longer go to school with her. Really she was the only thing truly holding me there.

All my friends are leaving me. Ellie, Alex, Jullianne. So I am going somewhere else where I am not known. Where I have no reputation. I think people pity me at my school. I dont think Im pathetic or weak. I just am easier to read than most. If I am in pain you can see it on my face. I know everyone has a broken world. We all live in a broken world. Im just not able to hide how I feel about my broken world so well.

Most of my buds from church go to bowie. So I guess I will join them. My brother will be leaving us. He will be leaving to go live with my father. I guess its a good idea.

My father has married a woman named Susanna Jones. She is kind and servant hearted. Really Young. But they seem aligned. I have been praying for them.


I have more faith in the power of prayer. The Lord has had to drill it into my mind... but he will move. I will never fear, for the Lord is with me. The Lord is omnipotent. Remember he is after you. He is after me. He tells me so.


If you read this, pray a prayer for Jake Lippe. He is a man of honor, and a man of troubles. He deserves a better life. Pray him the peace of the Lord and understanding in his weakness.

out.

King Minus The Sage

When we grew up

We never thought our friends would die

When we grew up

We never knew what was to lose everything

And if I was I a hero

One of those I loved as a child

We could take on the wild

And those bad bad country boys

My mother would hold us

And father would know us

As we grew up to be the strong and gentle kind

We'd get real jobs

And then we breathe

The kind of air

That Independence brings

Then we'd wed our lovers

to be eternally together

We'd move into the outfeild

Where seniors play

Then we could move into the outfeild

Where our heroes play!

Yeah you do don't you

You always remember those days

When Johnny had steady fists to raise

Against the demons and monsters

That had haunted our fathers

When all we could think of

Was to hide under our sheets

Like cowerdly sheep

My mother would hold us

And father would know us

As we grew up to be the strong and gentle kind

We'd move into the outfeild

Where seniors play

Then we could move into the outfeild

Where our heroes play!

We were always led by example

But only as children

I have to be the leader today

Cause there's a mess where stuck in

Left for the children

To become a king without a sage

Is to be a leader today

When we grew up

We never thought our friends would die

When we grew up

We never knew what was to lose everything

My Heart's Like a Wound

Im in that cycle of not sleeping.

Seems like I cant find a way to talk to Brian Fallon without getting interupted by the agent people. Im trying to get into an already sold out concert.. I gotta go... The Gaslight Anthem is knit to my soul. Like when Jonathan saw David for the first time.

Their story is one of late nights spent on the floor dream about a beauty caught up fully in heartbreak or wonder, a story of the balance that brotherhoods give to a man weighed down by the world, a story where music is cherished and memories are cherished and people are cherished as they should be, a story where home might not be the places that we dream of having, but by my God, we will do our best to make it your home, a story where redemption means something to those who have lost all that they love to a hard and cold world.

Man, that is MY STORY. That is my LIFE. That is what I live. I am knit to their music. I am knit to it.

My best Friend and I became best friends over their albums... during long summer drives, with the radio pumped to its fullest as we felt the hot air pass across our arms outside of his Eighty-Eight Oldsmobile. We memorized every word they had to say... and I would always sing an octave higher than my buddy Alex.

If you do not know who the Gaslight Anthem is you need to stop reading this blog and go find the song "Meet me by the Rivers Edge" and soak that sucker in. Please for the love of Jesus Christ go listen to them. Jesus Christ's love is very very important. Saved my ass on multiple occasions.

Their concert is on October 8th. And I do not know why it got sold out three months beforehand... but this is wrong.

So what am I gonna do now? Anything I can. Catch you kids later.

Much Love.