My mind is overweighted by its contents. The weight of these events and thoughts seem to be heavy for me. This summer I was awakened to how desperately fallen we are. It feels like everyone is out of focus wandering in a self centered blur. Happiness is just a mere illusion for some. God is beyond a dreamer's dream. Our purpose is totally flipped upside down.
Trent said that Christ preached on an upside-down kingdom. Well isn't it a tragedy that our kingdom is the one thats upside down. Our kingdom being world, and what is at he center of our hearts. Its completely opposite of what it was supposed to be.
I myself am in denial. On so many fashions, I am the one upside down. I am restraining myself but I hate my heart. I want to think I am above all of this.. but I am this.
If I had my way what boundaries would I not cross? Why do I seem to be an evil thing that loves Good. Backwards, my friends. Its all backwards.
Julianne and I are over. I don't trust her anymore. She doesn't want me in her life. She says that she loves me. She says that she cares for me. I don't believe it. We never knew what love was. We just know what it is to be tangled. To be enraptured.
I told her without God, this relationship wouldn't survive. I don't think she listened to me.
No one listens to that sort of stuff anymore.
I don't know why not.
He has saved me, from myself. I would have death, but I love life. Only he gives me control to choose what I love rather than be controlled by the mechanisms and impulses.
Why do we deny it so?
She wants another man. I don't have a chance anymore any how. It was a month before I had the clue to what was going on. I didn't understand why she broke up with me. So, in my extreme arrogance, I became angry and lashed at her. Now, she is cold to me. She doesn't tell me the truth. Not when I ask for it. Especially now that I need it.
I don't know what to do. How do I mend a relationship that needs to be mended when I don't even know where the fires on the bridge are. I can feel the heat and I know there's danger, but I don't know where.
People tell me to let go of her, but I hate that idea so much. She wants me to let go of her. I am just a boy, I do not know why the gun was handed to me to put down something I find, so beautiful.
I am angry. I feel that everything is so unjust. I hate being lied to. I hate that I was not trusted, when it seemed that I had never committed any crime.
All these emotions get tangled up, and they want to move and exercise themselves in ways that bring me disgust. Do you see how the world just breaks in front of us when we do? Sometimes I feel crippled and helpless in the wake of my own thrashing limbs.
Do you know what it is to be a void? To be in such despair when nothing matters. When the kingdom is really flipped onto its head. When you're the only thing that matters.
Oh and it is preached. It pains me to see but it is true. Self-centeredness is preached. It is the aim of the american dream. It has its routes in our entertainment, in our teaching, in our children. Making God the enemy. How twisted is it when God is Love. Love is the enemy!?! Are you serious!
Do you see why it pains my heart to see it so?
This is what I want.
I want change.
But not some sort of vague political dogma, I want a change in heart. I want a change in the heart of my community. And I don't want to let myself be torn down by time, something I find merely an illusion. I'm not saying this for some self-righteous, holier than thou, mission. My heart is so imperfect. So broken. It twists my thoughts, and justifies evil. What I see in others is merely a recognition of my same behavior. I don't want anyone to have God as their enemy. Like I said, such a beautiful thing as our enemy? No I want to see peace in this torn world.
I want to see people see truth. To see things clearly. Can we throw pessimism out of the window? We have someone who loves us infinitely. It is The Gospel. Please don't throw it out. If time defeats you and sin defeats you and brokenness defeats you, than you and I are the same. Can you, like me, refuse to relent, and demand to be known? Can we stop refusing to believe that there is no hope?
Something in my heart cries for others. When I come in contact with God, things become clear. My heart changes. Things are untangled. It is as if someone climbed into my head and put everything in its proper place.
See, I will not be held down. Never. There is to much injustice to lay under the grip of anything. I must be moving. Acting. That is the call of my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment