Who I am Hates Who I've Been

Well its true. I don't hate me though. But as you probably know... its the brokenness of the world that gets to me. Its the brokenness of myself. My lust and my anger. My self-centered heart and all my shame.

And as you've probably heard before.. I like the me that lives on Christ's every word.

Lately, its funny. I feel like God has been listening to my every word. Especially when all else is almost pulling away from me, I feel like he is here to push reality back to me. Lets say that he is a guard to the gate of oblivion for me. He wont let me go there. I'm not invited in. He will bring me back, someway somehow, whatever.

Like Travis Hager. A good friend. Listens. Wants to keep tabs on me. Its real nice to have anyone who wants to keep tabs on you.

Like Annalese Kate. To show me my love still means something to kids who might need it. To show me people still need genuine love. To show me people will be there to accept it.

Like Julianne. A beauty to fight for. To let me know I'm alive. I lost the last text she sent me saying she loved me. I want hear that again. I don't think Ive heard it for the last time. Or at least my heart tells me so.

Corbin Chase seems to think I have this crazy awesome direct communication with God. I think I am just able to give him credit, therefore letting him be known to my soul. I try to humble myself... although lately I really haven't done that enough. I've been aggressive.. and really hypocritical. People don't like that. I don't.

Yeah. Speaking of what I don't like.

Julianne worries me. Not only do I miss her, but I feel like she's plagued with shame. Something I know WAY too much about. She can't sleep. She's throwing up. She says its stress. What can I do? I tell her funny things about my life. Maybe the mere attention helps. I hope so. Thats all I can really give. She doesn't trust me like she used to. I really wish she did. God, I wish she would let me in with all my heart. I wish and pray that she stops hurting.

Sometimes I wish I had supernatural powers to take burdens away from people. Or just maybe that my prayers would be strong enough too do so. I wish I could do miracles. Maybe someday Christ will use me in that way.

Ive been listening to good music.

The Glass Parade. Cary Brothers.

Many of Horror. Biffy Clyro.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAh--lH0H3U&ob=av3e

The Queen of Lower Chelsea. The Gaslight Anthem. Love this to DEATH.

Head On a Plate. Bayside.

Blame It On the Changes. Dashboard Confessional.

Hey Jude. Joe Anderson.

As The Stars Fall. The Cinematic Orchestra.

Rough Hands. Alexisonfire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGBXTVfgE-I

Sleepyhead. Passion Pit. You should know this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zherMkcXdo

Stars in the Streetlight. Chamberlain.

Robots Can F*ck Your Sh*t Up. The Gay Blades. Wonderful, not gay.

Me and Mia. Ted Leo and The Pharmacists
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsuC_dB77PI

Lets Make Out. Does it offend you, yeah. It might offend you, its fun though.

This Boy's In Love. The Presets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO45oUdRqTs

Check it son.

Maybe I put some songs up here later.

Fuck. I get lonely at night. Why is that? Why is it that if I ever stay up past one, I get uber lonely? I dont know. Its a mystery to me.

Please. Oh please one with answers. Give me insight. So that I may rid myself of my aches. Please. Oh the first touch. Give me your presence. So that everything melts away, like an armor revealing my white body. Melt away, not as an illusion. No. Give me truth or leave me to die. Please. Oh one with answers. Give me truth. So that I may not die.