the consequence of being what I am

Can you believe this? Did anyone foresee this?

That my shame and regret would bring out all the weakness I've hidden from myself? That my actions would change the course of my destiny, making what was simple, very hard. That I would be the last one to understand what I did. That I would have only smoke in me when I tried to defend myself, that I was hollow in and out.

And that it would take my whole life to make this right.

These lies in my head are from this hate for myself.
My hate is not without reason, I know that I am the source of pain for many.
That my jumping gun and impulsive tongue, my idolatrous eyes and selective ears, my heavy feet and my wicked hands... they'll fight true love to the end.
They'll burn the bridges for no reason, just to cause panic and riot. Just to spite the true me.
Would things be different if I had a father? I dont know.
I do know I am becoming just like him.


I keep on falling short.
The only thing that is keeping me alive right now.
He keeps on calling me.
Still.
What is this?