I see that predestined plans and my incomprehensibly invisible master holds my little answers. Someone understands, but I'm still waiting, cause they said they loved me.
Paranoid pains twist under my neck and burn deep into my cheeks. Naivety laughs at me as I beg for wisdom and understanding.
Why Lord? Why am I such a fool? Why am I lame?
I answer the door. I greet the stranger with two hands. Will he let the light in? Will he come and tell me how?
Will he save my soul?
My God! You are a foreigner! You were cast out to sea, to retrieve gems of validation and true hope. The wolf came and granted me comfort in your absence. I said no. By hell he's the devil. He plays the cassettes constantly in my ear. I still scream, he is upon me. He tears his claws ripping the blood from my soul, leaving a rotten black coat. My evil epidermis latches onto me but never upholds my body.
I hold onto my torch, an engagement gift. I am helpless without it. It is but a small reminder of the ETERNAL SUN. Tonight my torch is dim. Is it my spirit that fuels the torch or his?
That question burns. Does the stranger know?
Foreigner? Have you met the Juggernaut? The wolf grew sick of my resistance, so he strung together a plot, an ambush if you will. I rest my heart and lungs and pull over to refuel. I attempted to step out of the fray and frame the colors and shapes into a more fitting fashion. This was not to happen. He was there. He was waiting, and had forecasted my retreat.
The juggernaut is what a Superman would be void of the Eternal Sun. This is why he terrifies me so. My rapier of brilliant passion and the abuser's assailant zweilhandler have no effect against his might. I am beaten blunt till I meet the enormity of madness. He reached into the void you left, I choking with his hand down my mouth. The chaos of your absence was extracted from its prison and put into battle with the little power I have to reason. I was driven at once into hysterical convulsions and black holes of twisted compulsion.
Oh GREAT GOD! Blackbird was with me as he came upon me a second time. Her tender hand was placed to heal me and what horror! I thought to take it and break it. My sweet Blackbird!
Stranger, wake me up inside. Tell me theres a reason, to take another step, to get up off my knees and, follow this path of most resistance. I know my nose bleeds, I know my heart skips more beats than it should. I have no answer for how I would have true victory over the terror of the adversary; and God, I have no idea on how I could possibly retreat! Oh most noble Prince of Day! They plot my demise. They pollute my soul! And my soul stays silent, unable to move in an earthquake.
I am unable to move in an earthquake. Only the fire of my torch keeps me unfrozen in this disheartening terrain. I need my torch, for I fear I am at war.
I am at war. And that realization is long overdue.
Lord, have victory. I find myself tapping my foot to the ticking of a timebomb. I find myself lighting candles to overpower the smell of the cyanide in my food. I find that desperate flight is a frequent use of my time. I long for the Joy of the Lord, and perhaps to be understood, but most dearly, a sanctuary in which I am safe. The inequity of this impossible situation enrages me, but what can I do, for it is just food for him. Be kind to me Lord. I know this challenge should belong to a man with a better soul, but you sent me instead. I know that it is your fire which saves me, so I send this ever-desperate plea to touch your heart. Savior, I know your name.
No comments:
Post a Comment