The Elders Elixirs were no good

All these secrets I keep, why are they my secrets? How bad does my breath reek of them? Can you hear their weight by the infliction in my voice; is my mask more convincing or am I letting go of these fading fractures?

I see church steps, and I moving towards them. I am holding my head high despite what all the fact I am wrestling with. What is traversing is catastrophic. I never let their images sink, they were too young to factor into this disillusioned heart. I am scatterbrained, unable to hold a thought. My mind leaps away from me, trying to escape a sober reality. I'd rather live in a drunk world, away from the tyranny of my memories. I wasn't concerned with the elixir, despite how hypocritical, how unlike me. The journey was to a void, someplace I felt entirely uninterested, entirely unaware of myself. A place where I lost who I was. Where I didn't bear my name.

It was by these elixirs my name became spoiled. Elders attempted to escape their old skin and children cried out for anyone to know them. I was born among them. 

Sometimes, on the darker days, I feel as if I have wasted all my time crying out among them. Truth is, the lake is dry, the sorrow is fresh out and I dont think you'll find anything if you come back tomorrow. I could hold on to it all, but what would be the point of that? Never helped me in the past. Won't help me now.

No, what I want, what I need, is new light. The summer light. I want burnt cheeks not the beakers and elixirs to cure whatever dysfunction is going on with my family. I want to drink lemonade with my grandparents as I learn to carry compassion with me wherever I go. Always having some for the blackbirds who come my way. I want to walk up those church steps, and live in that sanctuary, receive the brokenhearted, offer the sober-hope.

No, I never imagined as I child that I would stay up through the night, stirring my madness and lust, speaking in strange phonetics, wishing the demons away. Sure, I always knew it would be a rough walk. Suffering doesn't change as time goes by. Neither does this sober-hope. Guess thats all I got to put on these secrets. Cause the elders elixirs were no good. I know. I tried them.